Jim walked peacefully into glory on at 7:40 p.m. on Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 after a valiant fight against cancer.
This posting is one small way to remember his impact on my life and others he came alongside over the years.
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I was able to write this note to Jim this week:
Reflections
I wept this morning. You have to understand that I can count on my two hands the number of times I have wept in my life since the age of 10 and I still have fingers left over. I weep when I am deeply moved and today my soul had no choice. It was a the sort of crying that happens as a mixture of both joy and sorrow. It was deep calling to deep within me and I was overwhelmed by it.
My dad relayed some of what has happened in your lives in the past 24 hours. He talked about the difficulty of this stage of Jim's cancer but also of a God-given sense of relief and release. When he talked about praying with Jim and more specifically Jim asking for release then I too could do no other but weep in a response of release as well.
Jim, you have to know that I don't think of cancer when I think of you. That insidious and merciless disease has certainly gripped your physical body in these past few years. However, it has not gripped your soul and your spirit. It has caused all of us to reflect on how we respond to such suffering but it has not and will not conquer us. It has no victory over us and by God's grace we will come through this season understanding the why and how of this in a more complete way.
I have a few moments to reflect this morning after I spoke with my dad right before I got on my flight and while we were soaring above the earth. In fact, even now I have reschduled part of my morning so I can write you this short note. I have a few things that I want to say and if by God's grace I can do that in person then you will see me at your bedside sometime in the next 24 to 48 hours. Please forgive me if I am unable to make it to Charlotte.
Jim, when I think of you I do think of your presence, your deliberateness of living, your intentional relational style, your running, your mentoring, your commitment to discipleship, your leadership, your later-but-not-too-late chance to be a husband and father, your love of Scripture and the list goes on. I also think of the many years in which I have not been around you but they have not diminished the impact of those early years in my life. I fast forward to the immediacy of these last few years and think of how God's strength was demonstrated through you as you encountered the relentlessness of cancer. I reflect on how you didn't change who you were but the man God made you to be stood this test with dignity and grace. I praise God for that and also know that came at no small measure of personal, emotional and perhaps spiritual cost.
You have always had this amazing passion for coming alongside others and challenging them to be deliberate in their walk with God. Frankly, on that KA campus you were the one who not only encouraged us to live with purpose but you quietly demonstrated that in your day-to-day walk. As kids we heard many things about how we should act but the most powerful lessons came from watching those around us. You somehow stood against some of the early legalism that gripped our lives during my season at KA and refreshingly challenged the status quo. You brought us into your house to study Proverbs and at the same time lived a life fully in pursuit of enjoying all that God had given us with our bodies, minds and spirit.
I know there was a time when all the boys at KA wanted to be you and perhaps all the girls wanted at some point in their lives to marry you. Who could withstand the impact of your full-bodied laugh? Who could believe when you ran all those laps, windsprints and cross-country runs with us? Most coaches would have sent us off with a couple of whistles and admonition to do our best.
I thank you as well not only for your friendship with me but also with the rest of my family. Can you imagine how proud I was of you and my dad the time you met up to play in a tennis doubles tournament in Jos? My dad was playing with none other than Jim Crouch. The Jim Crouch.
I regret that I never got to be in your sixth grade class but know all the stories of how you guided so many of us through that transition year from early elementary into the particularly unique challenges of junior high and high school. What an amazing gateway you were responsible for in so many kids' lives. I know that some of those years were not easy but you continued to stay the course and impact those who came into that classroom.
Some of my memories are not so profound but they are meaningful to me nonetheless. I am still deeply grateful for the times you quietly took the Time magazine out of the teachers' lounge and let me read it -- with some important censorship -- because you cared that I was interested. To this day I still gobble up news and analysis with a passion. I remember how you pushed me athletically when I was at best an average athlete. However, you never told me anything negative about my ability. You simply encouraged me to do my best. You knew I might barely finish in the middle of the pack on those 400 yard laps around the track but you just kept encouraging. Frankly, even on those long runs that you had us take around campus or out into the bush on Sunday afternoons you never did anything but encourage. The fact that I still run marathons and enjoy running to this day comes from your encouragement of me.
So why was I weeping this morning? I weep because of how our time here is often cut short by unforeseen events and the physical deformity of a fallen world. I weep because I remember with gratitude all that you have done in my life. I weep because your time is being cut short with your wife and children. I weep because I know there is more pain and suffering to come in this life. I weep because you are an amazing man. I weep because even though I know God will provide, there is still a sense of loss when we are reminded that this is not heaven but merely part of the journey to get there.
I have said this before but you have run a good race. I praise God for you and that He would privilege me with your presence in my life.
With deep gratitude,
Jeff
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is within us, to him be the glory...
A note to Jim's family after he passed away.
A Run to Remember
Linda, Lisa, Danny & Sarah, David, Laurie and Matthew,
I have one more note to share with you about your dad. My last note was written mostly to him. If you will allow me, I would like to share a few thoughts directly with you.
I went on a run this morning. I chose to run through the forest near my house as it is a great place for me to reflect and this morning was no exception. Imagine the beauty of cool, crisp fall day with the sunlight dappling the trail in front of me as it wove its way through the leaf canopy overhead. I have to admit that in the first mile or two I was consumed by relentless roar of all of life's issues rushing at me as they often do in the morning.
However, that all changed when I got to a certain spot on the trail. This is a particular turn where perspective changes completely and I get an entirely new view of the trail ahead. Believe it or not, for some reason this particular turn is where I have often prayed for your dad in this past year. It happened again this morning and my run changed from the mundane to the transcendent. It was a moment of both beauty and grace.
Frankly I was almost instantly transported back to a particular run at KA that we did on the road down to the dam. I think I may have even shared that earlier this year with your dad. It has something to do with the crunching of stones underfoot and the particular view of the trail. This morning was different, though, as I almost felt like your dad was running alongside me. I did not hear his voice but I was certainly thinking about him. I thought about how he chose to run alongside people but then I remembered that he almost always ran ahead of us at some point as well. You see, he understood the importance of establishing relationship by figuratively running alongside us but equally the importance of running ahead and leading by example.
I almost felt like I might hear his booming voice calling out to me to keep up the pace which would then have been followed by a hearty laugh plus a challenge for someone to keep up with him. He ran alongside us as boys but he knew how to run ahead so that we might understand what it means to become men.
There are many layers to this in my own mind and soul. I pray that might sort through that in a way that would honor your dad and his relationship with Christ. I know that is the only way he managed to sustain his ability to love others and care for us. His challenge would be for me to be doing the same for others in my life. A call to discipleship, love and leadership.
He truly has run ahead of us now but I know that he wants us to keep running.
Linda - my prayer for you is that you would know what God's call is on your life in these years ahead. You have lost your soulmate but you have not lost your soul. You have gained a perspective on suffering which by God's grace will allow you to minister to others in ways you have never imagined.
Lisa, Danny & Sarah, David, Laurie and Matthew - I will never forget in my lifetime the image of the five of you + Sarah gathered around your dad's bed in the last few hours of his life. You may never know the impact that had on me. You are your dad's living legacy. Forgive me for interrupting the preciousness of that hour as I reached my hand in to touch your dad. Your singing to him mixed with your tears and even the occasional moments of joy was a divine moment for me. You, too, have been given a lifetime experience in suffering and loss. My wife and one of my best friends each lost their mom at an age which we would all consider unfair but I can tell you that God has gifted them with an ability to meet others in their moment of need in a way that precious few people are able to do. I would pray for that same gift for you. Hold each other tight and hold to Christ even more tightly. Danny & Sarah - I pray that the union of your marriage in the next week will be a blessed moment.
Jeff,
Although I didn't know Jim, your portrayal of him makes me wish I did.
Uncanny to me is how your descriptions of him would be my descriptions of you. Reading about Jim, it is profoundly apparent to me that God has prepared you for the very thing you loved and admired in Jim.
And what makes me weep is that God would use Jim so powerfully in the lives of so many, but in taking him home, has made sure that the 'so many' are equipped to carry what God abundantly gave to Jim and what Jim so cheerfully gave to others.
Run with great hope, Jeff...knowing you are running beside and a little in front of those who are looking to you for the same encouragement and hope...
From all the Yarbroughs who love all the Lloyds!
Renee,
Thanks for your thoughtful reflection. It is important for all of us who knew Jim to remember what seeds he may have planted in our lives and to accept that he took the time to plant so that we might grow then be deliberate about doing the same for others.
Also - I have to appreciate that you are the only one who has posted anything on this blog so I am grateful that I have at least one cool Web 2.0 friend.
Jeff, you don't know me but I knew Jim and your description of him is so accurate. Thank you for sharing about the impact of his life on you. That impact is exactly what God intended for you and for Jim. Your testimony is proof that he received a huge "well done, good and faithful servant!" as he stepped into heaven. The loss of Jim is huge to hundreds. The compensation for that loss is found in the investment he made in the lives of young men and women just like you. Thank you for not wasting the investment but for having a vision to pass it on to others. The comfort in that loss is found only in Christ. Again thank you for sharing how you are finding that comfort in Christ. The Lord bless you as you continue your race. May you too run well, knowing a prize awaits you and the Person of Christ runs with you and ahead of you. Bless you! Ruth Maxwell
Ruth,
I certainly know of your name. Thanks for your comments. Jim left a significant mark on this world and the impact his life had on many others is a good reminder of how we might live.
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